#25

Dead to Me (or, the Exorcism of Edie True)

My immaculate high-brow media diet has reached its pinnacle recently, as I've been watching a lot of Hollywood Medium. I am aware that the show is Objectively Bad, but I simply cannot stop watching. It has become a compulsion. 

For those of you that haven't yet Seen The Light, the premise of the show is that a childlike twink who claims to be clairvoyant visits US-based celebrities and attempts to connect with their dead friends, family and lovers. The twink is this very expressive Macaulay Culkin-type. He is a cartoon person. My understanding is that readings with the psychic twink are intended to provide the surviving loved ones of those who have passed with peace and resolution. Very frequently, the ghosts just want to let their celebrity relatives know that their death was a total accident. I would argue that unintentional overdoses are overrepresented on Hollywood Medium.

When my career reaches its inevitable apex (Real Housewife of Somewhere), I will absolutely be consulting a celebrity medium. The show has left such an impression on me. I love when the psychic twink pretends that he doesn't know who the celebrity is, in an attempt to convince the viewer that he isn't a fraud. I love when he starts scribbling, and explains to the celebrity guest that this is his process for channelling spirits. The celebrity usually nods politely in turn, as though the twink is just taking notes. I love the bizarre objects that the celebrities bring the twink, like offerings at an altar. These items are intended to aid spirits in ““coming through””. I love the cheesy unlicensed theme music and the lack of any cohesive aesthetic between seasons. I even love when he tells a disappointed celebrity that no one is ““coming through”” this time, because that actually happens sometimes and obviously he would rather be honest than make something up…. The whole experience is whimsical to me. According to the internet, he is a con artist. But I find that the legitimacy of the twink’s readings is truly not the point of the show. Whether his connection to the other side is real or not: he appears to be able to stir up actual emotions in these celebrities. And who am I to judge?? Bravely, I believe that the grieving bourgeoisie deserve to find solace by whatever means necessary: a psychic, a ouija board, they should just go for it. It is their God-given right.

 As a teenage ““boy””, I was a staunch atheist. If you asked me when I was 16 what I thought happened when we die I'd be like: obviously nothing. When we die, we die, etc. I’ve always thought that life is mostly dull, and I assume death is not much different. Nowadays though, while I am not exactly spiritual, I find that I struggle to sympathise with outright sceptics. I'm not saying that I don't Believe In Science, it's just that I find scepticism frustratingly dull and lacking in imagination. Do I actually believe in ghosts?? No. Would I like to?? Absolutely. I am very much open to the experience of communicating with spirits. In this way, I am bicurious. If any ghosts are reading, please hit me up.

Surprising no one, I am particularly taken with the way that the clairvoyant twink refers to death as a "transition". He refers to some spirits as having quite smooth transitions, while others appear to have struggled with their transition (honey, tell me about it). This turn of phrase got me thinking about the concept of ““trans widows””, a term used by former partners of people who have transitioned. This term is a transphobic red flag that centres the experience of cis partners ““grieving””, while failing to honour the fact that the trans partner has been unable to live A Full Life while closeted. Mostly, I just find the term a bit unnecessarily dramatic - and this is coming from someone who can only speak in hyperbole. When someone transitions, they don’t actually die. In fact, I suspect that the twink has got it the right way around: death probably resembles transition more than transition resembles death. 

At some points of my transition so far though, this linkage of transition and mortality has made some sense to me. I felt it keenly when trying to obtain my initial hormone prescription, when I needed to emphasise how much gender dysphoria was making me want to die. I also felt it in the way that I worried that my life as I knew it would come to an end after coming out: my family would reject me, my partner would leave me, I would need to leave my job, etc. While these anxieties thankfully haven't come true so far, I must admit that there is still an element of decay to my transition so far. I feel it physically: in my atrophying muscles, in my decreased libido, in my nails becoming brittle, in the dead hair follicles falling out of my face after a laser session. My body as I know it is slowly decomposing, albeit only in ways that I want to happen. 

Perhaps a better analogy would be to think of transition not as a death, but an exorcism. Sometimes I wish my former self actually was dead in the ““trans widow”” sense, but they aren't. I carry them with me every day. Gender dysphoria regularly creeps up on me, like a visitation from The Other Side (there are only 2 genders, etc). Every time I see my stubble in the mirror, or remember how non-existent my ass and hips are, I want to let out a bloodcurdling scream. In these moments, I am a young Victorian woman in a nightgown being possessed by some sort of transphobic demon. My transition is meant to remedy this.

I should also acknowledge that it isn’t all death and haunting. Transitioning can be incredibly life-giving. My hair is growing, my skin is glowing, my breasts are coming in. Transition is just as tied to vitality as it is mortality. A wise poet (Nicki Minaj) once said that to live doesn't mean you're alive. At this stage of my transition, I would say that The Old Me is dying but not quite dead, and The New Me is living but not quite alive. While I am finding the overall experience to be life-affirming, it’s not uncomplicated. In relation to life and death, my transition is perhaps most like limbo. The clairvoyant twink claims to not know if heaven, hell, or purgatory exist. I suspect that he knows more than he is letting on.... That twink is lying to us all.

Anyway, I recently saw a hilarious tweet about transness being Normal (as in socially acceptable) but also Normal (as in boring). It would serve me well to remember this. Transition is not inherently a life-or-death situation: life actually just goes on. Life as a trans person can just be dead normal, even. Who knew??